College Relationships

Even though I'm not graduating, a lot of my friends are. It's crazy that we're already getting to the end. The end of the good times and the childhoods being wrapped up. We're adults now or at least trying to be. What makes me sad about my friends graduating is that I know that this will be like high school. Everyone was friends "for life" and still, we graduated, went to college and now I can pass people I went to high school with in the halls and we don't even glance at each other. I know that college has been different. I've been through the most difficult times in my life with these people. They are my FAMILY. Yet I know that when they toss their graduations caps in the air, and I'm watching something I was suppose to be a part of, everything is going to change. Even with Brennen. He's going to be at his big job all the time now. We won't have school or working at the rec center in common anymore. What's completely devastating about time is that you can never go backwards. Ever. Time is a linear thing with only one direction. 
Matthew turns 30 today, only proving that time is something that does not stop and memories become old, tattered, and faded. This is quite the depressing post but that's how I feel about change. And to be quite honest, I'm devastated to be losing this part of my  life. This little segment, this little piece is slowly just becoming another memory instead of the here and now.
So to all my friends that I haven't said this to because it's far too sad and I love you all far too much: I will miss you. You are a big part of my family in life and will forever be my Boulder Family. I will miss you like you wouldn't believe. I can't believe this has come to an end. I know that we'll only keep in touch through facebook and we're about to start our lives and are going to branch out in so many different directions, but don't forget the people that held your hair as you puked, that held your hand or gave you a hug when everything was falling apart, the people who took your clicker, the people who you called at 3 am to just hang out, the people who threw those awesome Hill parties, and the people that when you were actually growing up into an adult, grew up with you. I love you and I am so sorry to see our time has ended. With deepest love and deepest gratitude, Becca.

Finals are just around the corner...for me, literally. Finals are suppose to be next week but of course, my teachers have given me two this week: one tomorrow and one on Friday.  I'm not entirely sure how to study for the one tomorrow which is why I can be found here. Besides the fact that I'm not sure how or what to study for this exam, I've also been up since 3 am and my energy is wearing thin. My energy, patience, and brain are on the fritz. I can't do this much longer so it's a good time for finals. I feel sick to my stomach and completely lost.
There's something about this stress that is different then normal. My stomach hurts so bad and my focus is just everywhere else. I feel like I've given all that I have to give and that I'm trying to contribute more but I just can't find it within my soul to do so. I really need to do well on these finals. They will be the deciding factors between A's and B's and yet, I still have no more tricks up my sleeve and I have absolutely nothing left to give. Nothing. The bucket keeps going in to the well and there is no water. It makes no sense but it's a matter of getting the grades or not. This is rambling nonsense and I recognize the fact that my brain is just dumping out the excess. This is my last attempt at anything.

I just want to sleep.